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The Big D (I don’t mean Dallas)

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(Hint: this is not how getting divorced feels, for anyone. But it can be how kids and parents feel after they figure some things out.)

 

We spend a lot of time talking about the negative effects of sex and drugs in schools. But nobody likes to talk about divorce. So I thought I would… just for minute.

“We have now reached a point where fewer than half of kids leaving high school will still have their parents living together. If we knew for sure that up to half the nation’s children were going to suffer something damaging, we’d be moving heaven and earth to do something about it.” … [Penelope Leach, Time Magazine, May 25, 2015]

Can we agree that this statistic is not just life, but culture, changing? Half the kids in the US? So how are we helping kids survive the split and the aftershocks? I would say that from my perspective, we are NOT talking about it. So I’d like to. And I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on this taboo subject.

My first marriage ended in divorce 11 years ago, so I have had a little time to think about how it has impacted my kids. I also work with teenage girls, so I see girls deal with divorce in some hopeful and heartbreaking ways.

Here are three things I wish all parents and children knew about divorce. I didn’t invent them. But I have tested the heck out of them!

1) Trash Talk Belongs on the Basketball Court

Before I start, can I say my ex is a nice guy? I always say that as soon as possible when people find out I’ve been divorced. You know why? Because he is. Really. And I know he is. And that right there, is pretty much how I start talking about talking about divorce. I let you know that I am not going to ask you to take my side while I go off. You’d be amazed how people start breathing again when I do this. Kids are the same.

When kids have to chose a side, a team, or a parent in a divorce it is pretty much a sure fire way to make sure everyone loses. This is not to say that some people don’t have terrible, terrible ex’s. I’m just saying that other person is your kid’s parent, so go lightly into that good rant.

2) You Aren’t Alone and Your Home Isn’t “Broken.”

When I had been divorced a year I was assigned by a local magazine to cover a camp for single parents and their children. I live in family town USA. Or so it seems. (Actually the divorce rate in my state is slightly higher than the national average.) I was worried that my kids would feel stigmatized by the camp, but they said they were fine with it, so we went.

When we walked through the door of the giant dinning hall they looked around and saw dozens of kids they knew from school. “Wow,” one of my kiddos said. “I didn’t know that so many people had divorced parents.”

Sadly, if half our kids are dealing with divorce, they have plenty of company. But they have to speak up to connect with other kids. Parents and educators have to emphasize that parent’s choices are not their children’s responsibility, and that the child of divorce should never feel ashamed to talk about the fallout with peers or teachers. Opportunities in schools for talking about divorce and blending families should be as common as discussions on sex, drugs, bullying, and how low a girl’s neckline can be for prom.

3) Whatever It Takes, Take Time To Be Alone With Each Child.

If you want to really hear what’s going on with your son or daughter you have to make time to be alone with them. I have four kids so that was hard at first. But sooo worth it. In fact I can say that it is one of those silver linings I might never have discovered if I wasn’t so concerned about my kids because of the divorce. Kids say things when they are all alone with parents that are like the Rosetta Stone to their sometimes inexplicable behavior.

I could go on, but I won’t. You can though. Anyone who has been touched by divorce, so like everyone, probably knows something they’ve learned the hard way about making kid’s life a little better after separation.

I think it’s like Ms. Leach suggests. We hate divorce and it’s horrible. But that makes it more, not less, important for us to talk about.

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